Strength

This is the reminder I need to keep in front of my today.  Alexis is doing ok.  Not many changes to report.  She is on the hospital vent still and still having intermittent fevers and discomfort.  The team is working to figure out if its withdrawal or something else brewing.  Her blood pressure is getting a tad better with medicine but still has moments of gigantic swings.  It's been a frustrating couple of days.  I'm so thankful she had not spiraled downhill. I'm thankful she is becoming more interactive and looks more comfortable at times than a few days ago.  Though sassy girl gets quite angry when she's awake and currently enjoys slamming her fist and people who bother her.  At least we know her sass is in place :-)

I'm not sure if I should even attempt how we are doing being here this week.  A year ago yesterday we entered this very place with Isobel.  I have a difficult time fighting the timeline battle.  Trying to piece together what went wrong a year ago what was happening at the very moment I sit in.  It doesn't help that I'm surrounded by people who took care of Isobel in her last days here and that I walk past the room I last held her in.  Triggers are everywhere here and honestly this is the very last place I wanted to be this week.  I know getting through these days can't happen on my own strength but I have to keep remembering God will carry us through.  To look back on my post from exactly a year ago breaks my heart and at the same time shows me the gift we were given with some extra time with Isobel.  I see things different here now.  A few days ago I saw parents doing the walk Dave and I had to do.  The empty stroller, the incredible pain in their eyes and hearts.  Others passed them by and even bumped into them.  I saw different.  I knew what happened and my heart dropped out of my chest for them.  I'm so sorry was all I could manage.  I know how the strength to walk away from this place without your baby requires more strength then any person has.  In short-it sucks.  I miss Isobel's smile.  I miss her spirit.  I miss her soft hair.  I miss my daughter.  We've been trying to take this time to make steps for Isobel Smiles.  The website link is on the blog up top, it's a work in progress, feel free to check it out.  

Thank you friends for lifting us up in prayer.  We are fresh out of strength so it's a darn good thing God has our back. Much love and many many smiles.